Horrorscope

Aries

You are a sensitive person, very concerned about what other people think about you. But you wouldn't worry so much if you knew how rarely anyone does actually think about you.

Taurus

Determination is your greatest strength. You go for whatever you want without reservation or circumspection. You don't let the feelings or possessions of others get in your way. People with less get-up-and-go are in awe of your vitality, especially if they own a china shop.

Gemini

If anyone deserves an award for energy conservation, it would be you. Though, sometimes, getting off your fat arse and doing something could provide unexpected rewards.

Cancer

You have a personal appeal that grows on people - a bit like a fungal infection. And just like a fungal infection, it can hang around much longer than one would like.

Leo

You have the potential to be a real wit. In fact, there are those who say you are already half way there.

Virgo

The virgo sign suits you to a tee - and probably always will. There are few around who would want to spoil that for you.

Libra

Some consider you indecisive, but it's just that you like to carefully explore every possible stupid option before making a decision. It's not your fault that there are often an infinite number of stupid options.

Scorpio

You are the centre of attention in any gathering. You radiate energy - like a fridge full of meat that's been accidentally left unplugged for a couple of weeks with the door slightly ajar. People find your power overwhelming, which is why you so often get to enjoy the pleasure of your own uninterrupted company.

Sagittarius

Your confidence keeps you going, but it will one day be shattered and you will then see yourself as others see you. This is unfortunate when you realise that confidence is about the only thing you have going for you.

Capricorn

You have a natural way of getting people's attention. Talking at 80 decibels usually does the job, rising to 90 decibels once the last other person leaves the room. Throwing things can help too - crockery, chisels, chairs and the like.

Aquarius

The age of Aquarius is coming and Aquarians will then achieve their true potential. Unfortunately, that age is still a couple of hundred years away and you will be dead by then. Suck it up!

Pisces

Your presence brings atmosphere to any gathering, the way dead fish bring atmosphere to a muddy river estuary at low tide.

Of course these are made up - just like all horoscopes. They were made up by someone who's still alive, which means that people won't take them too seriously. Horoscopes made up by people who've been dead a long time are considered much more reliable and much more likely to be true - especially if no one alive now actually knows who it was that made them up.