A Few Bad Jokes

Coal Mine

Q. What do you get if you drop a piano down a coal mine?

A. A flat miner.

DNA: National Dyslexics’ Association

Archery

Q. What’s the difference between a bad archer and a constipated owl?

A. The archer shoots, but can’t hit; the owl . . .

Extreme Sports

Bob and Ernie were standing at the top of a cliff. Each had a cardboard box. Bob opened his box, and a budgie flew out and landed on his shoulder. He looked over the cliff, then jumped off. The budgie hung onto Bob and flapped its wings like mad, but could do little to stop Bob falling. Bob landed on the ground and lay there groaning.

Ernie then took a parrot out of his box and put it on his shoulder. Then he jumped off too. The parrot flapped hard and, being bigger than the budgie, managed, about half-way down, to stop the fall. Then Ernie took a gun out his pocket and shot the parrot. He then fell to the ground too.

Bob groaned, ‘I don’t know what people see in this budgie jumping.’

Ernie replied, ‘No, I’m not too keen on the parrot shooting either.’

Cat

Q. What do you call a cat that’s just eaten a duck?

A. A duck-filled fatty puss.

Beethoven

A few years after he died, some researchers were doing a study of Beethoven and decided that they needed to exhume him. Beethoven had been buried in a tomb. When the researchers entered the tomb, they found Beethoven sitting at a table, going through sheet music and crossing out all the notes.

One of them asked, ‘What’s he doing?’

The other said, ‘He’s just decomposing.’

Posh Casino

An Australian turned up at a posh casino. With him were an Indonesian, a Malaysian, a Vietnamese, a Laotian, a Singaporean and a Cambodian. The security man on the door looked at the assembled crowd and said ‘I’m sorry sir, but you can’t come in here without a Thai.’

Eating

My three favourite things are eating my children and not using commas.

Moses

God said to Moses “Come forth and receive the promised land.” Instead he came fifth and won a toaster.

The Gates of Heaven

Alf turned up at the pearly gates. He asked Saint Peter if he could come in. Saint Peter looked at him and said, ‘Have you done anything really noble in your life?’

Alf said, ‘Yes, I once saw a gang of bikies harassing a young girl. I told them to leave her alone. The biggest one replied “You gonna make us?”

I said “Yes”, and I smacked him round the ear, yanked out his nose ring and kicked over his bike.’

‘That was very noble,’ said Saint Peter. ‘When did this happen?’

‘About two minutes ago’, said Alf.

Chemistry Joke

Q. Why did the oxide?

A. Because the acid.

Cheese Jokes

Q. What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

A. Haloumi.

Q. What’s the best cheese for enticing bears?

A. Camembert.

Q. What cheese would you use to disguise a horse?

A. Mascarpone

Q. What cheese is made backwards?

A. Edam

Q. How do they made cheese in Wales?

A. Caerphilly.

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? De Brie was everywhere.

Christmas Song

It was Christmas Eve and Harry was driving his kids home from the shops. He was pulled up by the police and they started writing him a ticket for speeding.

Being Christmas, the kids started singing ‘Police Nabbing Dad’.

Exorcism

Exorcists charge for their services. If you don’t pay, you get repossessed.

Golf

A priest, a doctor and an engineer play a round of golf. They get held up because the group in front of them take so long over each hole. The groundsman comes by and they ask him why the group in front is going so slowly. The groundsman replies ‘Oh, that’s a sad story. We had a fire in our chemicals shed. They were the fire fighters who came to put it out. But one of the chemicals caused them all to lose their sight. So as a gesture of gratitude, the club gave them all life membership. But of course, they do have a lot of trouble finding their balls.

The priest says, ‘Oh! That is sad. I will pray for them. Miracles can happen, you know.’

The doctor says, ‘I have a colleague who specialises in that sort of thing. I will see if there’s anything that can be done for them.’

The engineer says, ‘Why don’t they play at night?’

Christmas Joke

Every year around Christmas, Russia used to send out secret agents to surreptitiously check out other countries' plans for money production in the new year.

This is the origin of the tradition of mint spies.

Koala Tea

Adam and Sylvia broke down driving across a desert. As no one came past, they decided to walk. Almost dead from thirst, they came across a building. It was the Mercy Café. They went in and asked for a drink. ‘Weve only got tea’, said the waiter, ‘koala tea’. ‘Anything will do’, they said.

A few minutes later, the waiter came back and put two mugs on the table. The tea was red with bits of fur, bone and gristle floating in it. ‘Oo, what’s this?’ Sylvia said. ‘Koala tea’, said the waiter. ‘What? Is it just minced koala?’ said Sylvia. ‘Yes’, said the waiter.

The couple looked at it for a while, then Adam asked, ‘Could you strain it for us?’

The waiter replied ‘Sir, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained.’

[You need to know your Shakespeare to appreciate that one.]

Into a Bar

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barman says, ‘Is this some kind of a joke?’

Adam

And God said to Adam, ‘I will put good obedient women in every corner of the earth.’

Then he made the earth round and laughed and laughed.

Green and Brown

Q. What’s green and brown, weighs 400 kg, has 6 legs and 16 balls, and could kill you if it fell on you from a tree?

A. A pool table.

A Minor Misunderstanding

Wing Lee rang his boss and said. 'I no come in today. I sick.'

His boss said, 'I really need you to be here. You know what I do when I'm sick? I go and have sex with my wife. And after that I feel much better. Try it.'

Wing said 'Ok.'

Two hours later, Wing rang again and said, 'I did what you say. I feel much better. I come in now.'

His boss said, 'Good, see you soon.'

Wing finished off with, 'You got nice house.'