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There once was a man with a feeling
He’d get on a bus bound for Ealing.
A sign on the door
Said ‘Don’t spit on the floor’,
So he looked up and spat on the ceiling.
A sportsman named Patrick O’Rotter
Went game shooting with his pet otter.
A buxom young dame
Yelled out ‘Paddy, I’m game!’
So he lifted his rifle and shot her.
The mosquito she cried out in pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of her sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
diphenyltrichloroethane.
There was a young man from Japan
Whose limericks would never scan.
When asked why this was,
He said it’s because
I always try to cram as many long complicated polysyllabic words into the last line as I possibly can.
There once was a lady so bright
She could travel much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And got back the previous night.
A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Is nine squared and not a bit more.
This next one requires the American pronunciation of ‘z’.
The integral z-squared dz
From 1 to the cube root of 3,
All times the cosine
Of three pi over 9
Is the log of the cube root of e.
If you catch a chinchilla in Chile
And cut off its beard, willy-nilly,
You can honestly say
That you made on that day
A Chilean chinchilla's chin chilly
On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
Was tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in braille.
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who spoke with a terrible stutter.
For breakfast he said,
"I'll have b-b-b-bread
And b-b-b-b-b-b-butter"
The man in the cell is alright,
Though I don’t think he’s terribly bright.
He got in a fight
With the bloke to his right,
But his injuries are only slight.
There once was a man from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
There was an old man from Rocklea
Who was stung on the arm by a wasp.
When asked, "Does it hurt?"
He replied, "No, it doesn't.
I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet."
As 007 walked by,
A big hairy spider said “Hi.”
He turned round and shot it,
And said “Yes, I got it”
As it tried to explain, “I’m a spi …”
There once was a lass from Alsace
Who had a magnificent ass.
But not what you think,
All soft, round and pink;
It was grey, with long ears and ate grass.
There was a young fellow named Mason
Whose mum cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stood in one place
With a scarf round his face,
No one knew just which way he was facin’.
A canner, exceedingly canny
One morning remarked to his granny:
“A canner can can
Anything that he can,
But a canner can’t can a can, can he?”
There once was a man from the sticks
Who liked just to write limericks.
But he failed at the sport
'Cause he wrote them too short.
There once were two cats in Kilkenny,
And each thought that's one cat too many.
So they fought and they fit,
And they scratched and they bit,
Now instead of two cats there aren't any.
God’s world had a perfect beginning,
But man spoilt it all by his sinning.
We hope that the story
Will end in God’s glory,
Though at present the other side’s winning.
The bustard's an elegant fowl,
With minimal reason to growl.
It escapes what would be
Illegitimacy
By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
Each night my dad fills me with dread
As he sits on the foot of my bed;
I'd not mind that he speaks
In gibbers & squeaks,
But for seventeen years he's been dead.
Said a man with a mind somewhat miniscule
As his ignorance reached a new pinnacle,
“I make no apology
I don't believe in astrology,
Cause I'm a Leo and Leo's are cynical."
There once was a man they called Baird
Who's timing was somewhat impaired.
His poems would tend
To come to an end
Abruptly.
There once was a man from Bombay
Who made ammunition by day.
He dropped his cigar
In the gunpowder jar.
There once was a man from Bombay.
A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball.
The cube of it's weight
Times it's volume plus eight
Is his phone number - Give him a call.
There was a young man from Australia,
Who painted his butt like a dahlia.
Ten cents a smell
Was all very well,
But a dollar a lick was a failure.
There was a young man from Pembroke . . . Damn!
There was a young man . . . Damn!
There was a young man from Pembroke,
Who went 'Damn' every time . . . Damn!
There was a . . . Damn!
There was a young man from Pembroke,
Who went 'Damn' every time his pen broke . . . Damn!
There . . . Damn!
There was a young man from Pembroke,
Who went 'Damn' every time his pen broke.
He'd huff and he'd puff
Till he'd had quite enough,
As his efforts all went up in . . . OH DAMN!!!
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